So, who's first?

All those lovely, nubile people.
Waifu(s): ,
Protege:
Partners in crime/Eldritch Demoman: ,
#1 Mistress:
The on-and-off rival:
Good twin:
Less-evil twin:
The woobie:
My Widdle Baby Sister Woona:
Faithful Servant/Throw rug:
Hoof slave:
Meat shield:
Selfish grumpypants who doesn't share her candy:
Creepy monkey-lover:
Equestria's #1 Most Wanted
(If found, bring him to my bedchambers immediately, preferably sedated and with all pies confiscated)

Reward: 400,000,000,000,000 bits, half the castle, access to everymare in the kingdom

Equestria's OTHER #1 Most Wanted
(Wanted for high-treason, mind control of Her Highness, and failure to meet rape-quota while controlling your queen)

Reward: 200,000,000 bits, front row seats to his public neutering

Equestria's OTHER OTHER #1 Most Wanted DO NOT APPROACH - SUBJECT IS FAR TOO DANGEROUS:
Wanted for breaking and entering, rampant cruelty and abuse to Her Majesty, wantonly devouring Her Majesty's cake, staging a coup, and probably a lot of other bad things.

Reward: 900,000,000 Bits, unlimited access to the Royal Cake Depot, The thought that you have rid Equestria of a great and terrible evil. No reward is worth going after this thing. Just run. Run and never look back.
Next Victim: